Another missed month. Here's how I feel right now:

I'm vacilating between pissed off and depressed for the same reason: Tristyn is pissed off at me. The reason is that I've met a girl who I think I'd like to pursue a relationship with.

Pissed off: Where the fuck does Tristyn get off being mad at me? She made this bed at the end of last year when she dumped me. I've been terrified of moving on, half out of not being over her and half out of fear that I'd lose her completely as a friend, something I don't want to happen in any way. Tristyn thinks I only have hung out with her of late from pity. That's fucking bullshit. I wouldn't hang out with anyone out of pity because it's a shitty way to be someone's friend. I hang out with Tristyn because I like her, same as Tim, Ben and all those other fuckers. That's another reason she's mad, she's now the "same as Tim, Ben and all those other fuckers." Well, of course that's not now nor ever will be entirely true. We had an intimate and largely enjoyable relationship for a little over a year. I love her in a way that I will never love any of my other friends. But our friendship can't be what it once was because we're no longer dating. It's not fucking fair, she dumped me and I'm moving on, she has to accept that, dammit. Can't she let me do it without the guilt? I'm not leaving her behind same as I'm not leaving behind Tim, Ben and all those other fuckers.

Depressed: I'm causing a whole lot of grief in the life of one of my dearest friends. She still means a lot to me in a completely different way than any of my other friends can. She's seen me at or near my worst and she's made me my happiest. I've shared a lot of important experiences with her and now she feels alone and deserted at a time when I'm meeting someone new who will mean something different for me than anyone else ever has. No two relationships are the same. I wish she knew the pain that I feel when she doesn't believe me, when she tells me that I don't understand, and when she says she hates me.

So, anyway. That kinda sucks.