Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, my fellow Americans:
We are fifteen years into this new century. Fifteen years that dawned with terror touching our shores; that unfolded with a new generation fighting two long and costly wars; that saw a vicious recession spread across our nation and the world. It has been, and still is, a hard time for many.
But tonight, we turn the page.
I don’t need to bore you with the statistics. I don’t need to tell you about expanding economic opportunities, access to health care and civil rights.
I don’t need to bore you because of this. Because the fact of the matter is the aliens are coming.
The aliens are coming and it is up to us to stand as a united human race and demonstrate our power.
Now, we don’t know exactly what these aliens will look like. Whether they’ll have one eye or fifty. Maybe they’ll be an oozing blob of squishy flesh - like a slug - or maybe they’ll have a rigid inflexible shell, like Speaker Boehner here.
Just kidding, John.
We don’t know what exactly these aliens will look like but we do know we’ve got to stand up to these aliens with an impressive display of force.
We know this because, I’m sorry to say, we lost contact with our contact team. 7 brave astronauts aboard NASA’s top secret, state of the art shuttle Excelsior were sent on a mission to contact the ship once we noticed it cruising past Saturn.
That’s right, the shuttle program isn’t dead.
We sent these courageous astronauts - doctors, philosophers and scientists - with hearts full of hope. We saw an alien ship. This was to be a brave new moment. A moment that the human race crossed the boundaries of the solar system and became a species of the universe.
But we lost track of them. The last transmission is painful to watch now. Dr. Stetson, her eyes full of hope and a slightly quavering voice, detailed the final approach to the alien ship. Then the signal broke.
At first, back in Houston, we thought it might’ve just been a technical hiccough as the Excelsior reached out to the mysterious vessel. Maybe they needed more power in their transmitter. We just didn’t know.
Time passed.
We grew anxious back in Mission Control. Worried, you understand. These were some of the finest minds on planet Earth, tasked with a mission of unprecedented and breathtaking importance. And we couldn’t raise them.
Radio contact got us nothing. Our fancy wristwatch communicators were useless. We even tried to reach out to Dr. Braino, Excelsior’s on-ship psychic - yes, they’re real - but heard back nothing.
Nothing.
And then we got visual confirmation of our worst fears: telescopic image showed the alien ship plowing forward through a field of debris. Excelsior’s identification number was cruelly preserved on a floating chunk of metal, like it was a damn movie or something.
They’d been blown up! Billions of dollars of American money, investments in training the finest space crew in human history, the most brilliant minds Earth had to offer. Gone.
And now, the aliens are coming here.
We don’t know what their exact purpose is. They may pair us up for mating for some sick sexual experiments. They may want to harvest our bodies for the iron content. Or maybe it’s something the Earth itself offers, maybe they’ll breath in all our oxygen and fart out carbon monoxide, leaving us to suffocate in the streets and plains of this glorious country.
Let's not kid ourselves, here. They blew up the Excelsior. Top NASA scientists say they're trajectory will bring them to Earth within half a year.
We can’t know their purpose - perhaps to kidnap the human race and send us back to their homeworld for slave labor - but we can do this. We can stand up.
And my fellow Americans, my fellow humans, right now we’ve got to stand up.
My proposal to stand up to these space invaders is two-fold. First, we’re scrapping all non-essential programs and dumping a lot of money into the defense budget. We may get some whining from the left - looking at you, Sanders - but when a horde of homicidal aliens is coming, we’ve got to be prepared with the most advanced lasers, the finest atomic bombs and the bitchingest, ball-grabbingest vehicles the defense program has to offer.
We will spare no expense when it comes to arming ourselves against the invaders.
The second step is this: We build a giant statue of me, your elected leader, striding over a field of skulls. This statue should be mountain sized. I should be shirtless and carrying an AK in one arm, Sasha and Malia in the other. Michelle should be looking up at me in awe and affection. There should be a field of skulls before me and a path of crushed skulls in my wake.
I’m calling on the United States’ best artists to sketch this up for me. The lowest bidder wins.
I believe this display, coupled with an impressive array of firearms, will help deter these would-be conquerors.
My fellow Americans, we are a strong, tight-knit family. We have made it through some hard times. Fifteen years into this new century, we have picked ourselves up, dusted ourselves off, and begun again the work of remaking America. We've laid a new foundation. A brighter future is ours to write. Let's begin this new chapter -- together, stepping over the bones or exo-skeletons of alien invaders-- and let's start the work right now.
Thank you, God bless you, and God bless this country - and this planet - we love.
