Travel

I'll take back everything bad I've ever said about Homeland Security. You know, I went to Europe for a month and was bouncing around and on the ride back they didn't catch any of the paraphernalia I had on me. They missed the cork screw, the swiss army card, the bottle of contact solution, the moisturizers, shampoos and face washes I had readily visible in my carry-on.

My carry-on. It got X-Rayed.

Here I am flying to Rochester, NY from Portland, ME and I slip my toothpaste and swiss army card into the bag. The card, mind you, has a knife, a pair of scissors, a slim pen (for stabbing!) and a nail file (for additional stabbings). I walk through the metal detector and set it off with my gargantuan belt buckle and the bag goes through the X-Ray and as I'm finally cleared through the metal detector, the X-Ray guy looks at me and says, "This your bag?"

"Shit," I'm thinking, "I'm in trouble. They found the card and they know I'm a leftist. I'm fucked."

"Found this hidden on the side. Knew right where to look." He holds my toothpaste towards me. "Can't carry more than 3 ounces, you know, gonna have to confiscate it." He hands dumps it and hands me my bag.

"Oh," I say, acting glum, "I guess that's the price of freedom."