With apologies to the New York Times.
- Pants are in these days. Wear pants.
- A finger in the butt.
- Know how to cook something in an oven. Like a pigmeat or something. Feed it to your lover with your fingertips.
- Learn stuff from your kids, like good spots to hide boogers and stuff. Probably no sex things.
- Cry. Emotions are neat and if you show people you have them, they won’t think you’re a robot.
- Oooh! Design and build a robot!
- You could design the robot to take care of number 2 up there.
- That wasn’t a poop joke. The Modern Man doesn’t make poop jokes. Unless it’s, like, really funny.
- Cultivate a distinct sense of style. You don’t see many deerstalkers and capes these days. Go with that!
- Polish your shoes.
- When you’re out in public with your lover, be sure to share an intimate moment with him or her so he or she knows that you consider him or her important. Go ahead and start talking about your living will at the movie theater.
- Butt finger
- Write and follow lists. Lists for all things.
- Know where North is at all times.
- Howling at the moon doesn’t have to be something you do on your own. Bring your family!
- Stand on a mountain.
- Drink coffee. But don’t be like “Look at me, I’m drinking a coffee. Mmmm. It’s sooo good.”
- Do not discuss number 18.
- Speak in a posh accent for a day.
- I don’t know, scarves I guess?
- Know how to change a tire on your car. Memorize the number to AAA. No one memorizes phone numbers any more. Millenials!
- Learn your lover’s favorite scents and train your body to make them during acts of love-making. This may involve meditation and diet changes.
- America.
- Change the list to 24 ways to be a modern man. I can’t be bothered to finis
